The Realistic Evangelion Self Insert Fic
by shanejayell
Summary: What would REALLY happen if you ended up in the world of Neon Genesis Evangelion?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters from Neon Genesis Evangelion, they all belong to Gainax. Don't try to sue me, I'm broke anyway. There will also be random lesbian bits in this story, because... well, it's one of MY fics. Heh.

The Realistic Evangelion Self Insert Fic

Part One

As a mysterious rip in reality winked shut, the handsome, blonde haired and blue eyed man looked around in wonder.

"I did it!" Gary Stu exclaimed, "I'm in Tokyo-3!"

There was no one to hear him, only echoing silence as a deserted city stretched out around him. No birds chirped, no crickets sounded, all was deathly quiet.

"Hey, where is everybody..." Gary started before a shadow fell over him. He looked up and only had the chance to mutter, "Fuck."

SPLAT!

Back in NERV headquarters bridge bunny Maya Ibuki declared, "The angel has STEPPED ON HIM!"

Ritsuko calmly finished her smoke, "Eh, it was just another damn Mary Sue. Hey, Maya, wanna come back to the lab for some... research?"

Maya's cheeks went pink, "Oooh, yes senpai!"

"When did a self insert story become a lesbian sex fic?" Misato complained as the two women hurried off.

"Well this IS a Shanejayell fic," Makoto shrugged, showing a worrying amount of genre awareness for a side character.

Part Two

"Awk!" with a yelp of surprise a soaking wet Shinji Ikari dropped into the control room.

"What happened?" Makoto got up, helping the boy up.

"I dunno," Shinji admitted, "A girl who looked JUST like one of the chicks from Harry Potter appeared in the entry plug, waved a wand at me and here I am."

"Mary Sue?" Maya asked.

"Mary Sue," Misato agreed. She turned to the screen, "How is she doing?"

Ritsuko took a LONG drag of her smoke, sexily. Maya made a soft whimpering noise. "Apparently, she can't synchronize," Ritsuko noted.

Everyone watched in awe as the Angel bodilly picked up the motionless Unit-01 and threw it across Tokyo. "Can we access the plug?" Shinji asked hopefully.

"Sound only," Maya managed to sound professional despite her wet panties.

"AAAAAH! Why won't it go!" the female voice screamed.

The Angel picked the Evangelion up again, then started to use it like a kockey stick, sending cars flying by hitting them with Unit-01's head.

"Oh god kill me now! I wanna die!" the girl wailed.

"The LCL is cushioning her, right?" Misato asked thoughtfully.

"Yeah," Ritsuko agreed.

"And the inert Evangelion is keeping the Angel occupied and happy?" Misato asked.

"For now," Maya agreed as the Angel was pogoing the giant abomination against man and god.

"Take five, everybody!" Misato yelled, "We'll come back later if the Angel actually tries attacking NERV again."

"What about the pilot?" Shinji had to ask.

"I HATE THIS! I WISH I HAD NEVER CAME HERE!" she wailed in the background.

"Eh. We can have Rei save her. Later." Ritsuko purred, rubbing a hand along Maya's neck.

"Could you two get a ROOM?" Misato sighed.

"Don't mind if we go," Maya got up, taking Ritsuko's hand and dragging her off.

End

Notes: Yeah, short. I was gonna add a third bit where Gendo has been catching self-inserts/Mary Sues and carting them off to a camp but it struck me as a bit too creepy.


	2. Chapter 2

The Realistic Evangelion Self Insert Fic

Part Three!

"I am SO bored!" Asuka complained dramatically as she sat back at her desk, feet on the top of the old desk.

"Pilot Soryu, you should not put your feet on the desk," Rei noted calmly.

"Rei, get that stick out of your ass," Asuka sighed.

"Is it me or is Asuka being even nastier today?" Shinji wondered aloud.

"It's a spam fic, I think everyone is kinda out of character at this point," Kensuke noted mildly, once again showing perceptiveness for a background character.

"Does that mean I can flip someone's skirt and get away with it?" Toji asked excitedly.

"Only if you wanna die," his girlfriend Hikari noted flatly.

"Yes, ma'am," Toji answered meekly.

"He is SO pussy whipped," Asuka snorted. She looked over at him in contempt, "Does she make you call her mistress?"

There was a beat of uncomfortable silence. "No comment," Hikari told them dangerously.

"Kinky," Rei noted mildly.

"All right everyone, take your seats," the teacher said as she strode in.

"Stand! Bow!" Hikari ordered and all the students obeyed.

"Yes, yes, thank you," the teacher sighed.

"Is she even the class rep in this fic?" Shinji asked quietly.

"I don't think anyone has the guts to argue with her," Asuka shrugged. "And who wants that crappy job anyway?"

"Fair enough," Shinji agreed.

"All right we have a new student today," the teacher continued.

Before she could continue the blonde haired westerner burst in. "Hello everyone," she declared, "I am Yamato Nadesico, perfectly normal Japanese student!"

Rei got up, then strode over and got the girl in a headlock.

"Ack!" Yamato yelped.

"A Mary Sue appears to have slipped through screening," Rei calmly explained to the teacher, "I will take her away."

"You aren't gonna hurt her, are you?" the teacher asked a bit nervously.

"Eeep," Yamato managed.

"No," Rei said calmly, "NERV is currently allowing the Mary Sues to roam Tokyo-3, as long as they do not interfere with pilots or Evangelions."

"I suppose that makes sense," the teacher noted.

Outside, the halls practically teemed with somewhat disappointed looking Mary Sues. "Please report in to student counciling," Rei informed her captive.

"Face... pressed against Rei-boob. Bliss..." the girl muttered deleriously.

Rei promptly dropped her at that point.

To be continued...

Short chapter is short. Sorry. More 4th wall breakage as reality gets invaded by lots of Mary Sues.

My reasoning on all the self-inserts appearing: The person who discovered how to do it posted it online. Several thousand people followed. Heh.


	3. Chapter 3

The (Sort Of) Realistic Evangelion Self Insert Fic

Part Four

The Japanese army was finally ready to move. They had the soldiers. They had the equipment, They had the WILL to make NERV see that they would no longer tolerate the weird, extra-legal crap they were always getting up to.

"This is a really, really bad idea," Kaji noted.

The NERV agent, UN representative and Japanese Army spy (he really got around) was not there by choice. No, they were blackmailing Kaji with the threatened release of a sex tape he had made back in university, along with Misato and Ritsuko. Not that he was worried about HIS reputation. But Misato would KILL him if that tape got out...

"We are ready to act, Mr Kaji," the officer explained patiently, "we can handle this."

"They have giant robots that can squish you flat," Kaji noted flatly, "how can you handle that?"

"Ah ha! Not if the pilots are unavailable!" the older man grinned.

Kaji looked at him blankly. "What."

"We arranged for the pilots and their guardian to receive all expense paid trips to Okinawa!" he beamed. "No pilots, no problems!"

"You don't really think they'd fall for that?" Kaji asked.

The man whipped out a smart phone. "Live feed from our operative monitoring the beach trip." he chuckled.

Watching his sometimes girlfriend Misato frolicking on the beach Kaji sighed. "Misato, you idiot," he groaned.

"All right," the officer addressed the other troops in the armored personnel carrier, "we're approaching NERV Osaka-2. This secondary base is where we'll test our new combat tactics against NERV staff and security. Use only the stun bullets you have been issued, as we wish to avoid fatalities."

"Awwww," several soldiers pouted.

They pulled up, the trucks disgorging troops in combat gear, forming up into squares of sixteen men. They advanced past the main gates, looking around warily as they headed to the entrance.

"Movement!" one soldier called.

A pretty young woman had emerged from the facility, then trotted up to them. "Hullo," she said in horrid Japanese, "Do you speak the English?"

Kaji raised his eyebrows, "I do."

"Oh good!" she clapped her hands, "Mr Gendo asked me to pass a message on, but I'm not good in Japanese yet." She cleared her throat, "Do not attack this facility. If you do, NERV will not be responsible for the consequences."

"That's it?" Kaji asked.

"That's it," she agreed, trotting off. "Bye!"

"That was strange," the officer admitted.

"I have a BAD feeling about this," Kaji shook his head. "Call it off."

"No, we will proceed as planned," the officer said firmly. He turned to the troops, "They know we're here, so charge the base."

"Ooo-rah!" the soldiers cried then charged.

But before they could get far a massive crowd of clearly western teenagers poured out of the facility. A girl in what looked like a Harry Potter costume pointed a wand, "Confringo!"

A soldier's gun exploded into flames as he yelped.

"Go pikachu!" a man tossed a red ball, causing a yellow rat-thing to appear and start shocking the soldiers.

"We come in peace!" a suspiciously star-trekian figure declared then started stunning people with his weird hand-gun.

"What the hell?" the lead officer yelped, "What's happening?!"

"He's done it," Kaji muttered as they mayhem unfolded, "Gendo's actually done it."

"Done what?" the officer demanded.

Kaji gestured to the oddly one-sided battle, "He's weaponized the Mary Sues!"

The officer's eyes went VERY wide. "Retreat!" he yelled frantically, "Retreat!"

As the battered, bruised troops raced away from the NERV base Kaji sighed, "I TOLD you so."

"Oh shut up..."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Told you they'd fall for the fake base filled with Mary Sues," Ritsuko said smugly. "Pay up, sucker."

Gendo handed her 400000 yen. "At least we found one use for the Mary Sues..." he conceded.

To be continued...?

Notes: PROBABLY the last one of these I'll do, unless I get hit with another idea. Heh. In canon Ritsuko and Misato shared a room in university, and Misato was dating Kaji at the time, so a threesome is at least possible...

Mary Sues often have abilities swiped from other anime, and I already showed the Harry Potter one.


End file.
